Inadequate

March 28, 2007

So for a few weeks now, I have been in a rut really. It is like I am losing motivation in every possible way. To be honest it is a feeling of shear fear. I fear that I will not get to the point in life, where I am truly happy with where I am. Today, I was on the PATH train, just thinking that I actually never reach that point where I am happy with my life.

When I was in elementary school, I dreamed that I would be happy when I become a teenager, because they looked some damn cool walking home and stuff. They looked like they had so much fun and freedom. Man, once I became I teenager, life was so freaking boring. It was simply school, sports, homework, TV and that was it. That’s no life.

When I was in high school, I wanted to be in college, always used to dream of myself being in college, being all responsible and important. I must say being at the New Brunswick campus at Rutgers University was nice; 45 minutes away from mommy and poppy is good. Man any distance away from them from time to time is good.

It was at college that I realized my family was not middle-class, we were poor. Being around middle-class and well-off people pissed me off, made me feel little. It is not like they waved their riches in my face and all. I was the one dreaming of their riches and all, hoping that I could switch places with them. Gosh, I was so damn silly and naïve. My parents never gave my brother and sisters any reason for feeling poor. To tell you the truth for most of my non-adult life, I thought my family was damn near rich, well probably not rich, but well-off middle class.

Now with a Masters in International Journalism, Bachelors in Journalism Studies and Spanish and a High School Diploma under my belt, a sista still can’t get a decent journalism JOB. It’s so sad, I have such a passion for journalism, but no one will give me a chance. Lately, I have been thinking was this all a mistake, did I go left when God told me to go right. I don’t know what it is; I just have this feeling of inadequacy that I cannot shake.

I never expected to be 24-years old, living with my parents in an old folks community home, sleeping on a cot in their living room, job-hunting in Newport Mall for a sales associate position. Me, a no-driver’s licence having, no apartment, no life me. Sometimes, I think I am way too hard on myself, and there are time I think I am not hard enough.

Day after day, night after night I dream of having my own apartment and car and being responsible and having great friends that I can share all my intimate details and gossip with. There are times, I see a woman passing by and she looks so comfortable and confident that I want to make a deal with the devil or whomever, to switch lives with this person. Of course I know this is silly and that this is simply a down time in my life, we all go through it, but I always thought that being hardworking, dedicated and passionate about sometime guaranteed you success.

See with me, I have had mixed reviews when it came to my skills and abilities of my journalistic writing. There are those who say I am good and those who say I need a lot of help. Of course, being human, I do not remember or hear those who compliment my writing, I only hear those who criticize it and yes, I hate them for it and I always want to prove them wrong, and I will one day when I become that foreign correspondent.

I do not know, but lately, when people ask me what I plan to do with my journalism and I say I want to be a foreign correspondent, something way far back in my mind, says ‘yeah right’. I really do want to be a foreign correspondent in work in countries like Palestine, Jordan, places throughout the Middle East and Northern Africa. I have this infatuation with Arabic culture. I know nothing about it and sure do not know how to speak a work of Arabic, but I hope that will change soon. The Arabic culture is such a damn mystery to me. I do not like when something is a mystery to me. Right now, the only thing that is a mystery to me beside the Arabic culture is my boyfriend’s moodiness.

I am one of those people that get so embarrassment to the point of running away when someone ask me, where a country is located and I don’t know. I never really did any geography; that is the Newark Public School System for you. It is weird; I do not get that feeling when I do not know where a state is located in the US, if I do not know, where Montana is located, oh well. However, I need to know exactly where Taiwan, Afghanistan, Kenya, Poland, Argentina, and every other place is located and what country borders them and their continent and the whole nine. Sometimes, I find myself testing my knowledge and if I do not know it, it will bother me, not just all day but until I find out.

Wait, how did I get to this topic, anyways as I was saying, lately I have been feeling inadequate. Well in reality, not just lately, my whole entire life. Don’t know what I am hoping for. Trust me, if I do get a great job, a spacious apartment and a car tomorrow, I will still feel inadequate. I am just never fully satisfied, don’t think will ever be. I am truly working to mend this problem of mine. Trying hard to be happy and satisfied with what I have; it will obviously take some time.

Shoot, I should be boasting of my achievement not dwelling in my mishaps. Gosh, I am something else. Well, I am tired of writing now. So I will leave. Bye.

D

The first week back

Hello lovely people,

Hope things are well with you? As for me, I am still trying to get my head around being permanently back in the states and still trying to settle in and get into my groove of things.

My first week back was not as bad as I thought, although I would love to go back to Cardiff, I am thinking it probably was not a bad idea after all to come back here. So far my parents have not started asking me 101 questions about my future plan, probably if they did I would act as though I am deaf and dodge them.

There is absolutely no privacy at my parents flat. After I left for Cardiff in Sept 05, two month later they moved into a one-bedroom flat in an old folk complex. I have my very uncomfortable little cot in the living room. The people there are pretty nice. I only get to see youth when I leave to go for my daily walks to the library. Gosh, I so need to get a JOB and move out. But at the moment, things are not too bad.

My days are very boring and uneventful since I waste away at the day at the library applying for jobs, checking e-mail, and trying to figure out why my wireless just does not work on my laptop. My laptop has been very temperamental since the day I brought it. Six different people already attempted to help me with my wireless. So I spent over 10 bloody hours fiddling around with this thing.

I am starting to make friends with the homeless people at the public library since I am here as much as they are.

Well, let see what next week brings.

Thinking of coming to visit Cardiff in May, most likely from the 7^th to 21^st. Hopefully, we can meet up for drinks. Actually probably stay until the 24^th, and party hardy for Kevin’s b-day.

Damaqu

Blackout

Well I haven't been keeping up for a minute now, but everything is good. Last week was a very tiring week first of all my best friend came a knocking and I worked four days out of the week at Holland House. I don't think I told you, I work at McDonald Hotel here is Cardiff, everyone who works there call it the Holland House Hotel. I'm guessing they call it HHH because MacDonald sound too similar to McDonald, well I know it sound similar to me. Anyways, yeah, I worked four days out of the week, which is the most I ever worked there in a week since I started last October.

I did not mind it though, because the people I work with are cool. Being around good, fun and down-to-earth people can make you look on the up-side of any crappy situation.

So far this week is ok, maybe because the weekend was great. However, it is only Tuesday, God knows what will happen throughout the rest of the weekend. But OK, back to my great weekend. It was great because it was plain ole relaxing. So Friday, I hung out with my course mates and had a drink at Pen and Wig, which is a cute little local pub in Cardiff, I like the atmosphere there and there is this really cute barman there. However, he was not so cute when he cheated my out my vodka for my vodka cranberry drink. It's not vodka cranberry if there is no vodka in it, Duh. That dude left me with cranberry juice on a night I wanted to get cruked up. So you know I had to let his cute self know.

But OK, that is besides the point, so where was I, alright, I was out with some course mate in the mist of the same ole conversations of dissertation and a few silliness stuff. Honestly, I felt like I was suffocating a bit, which was weird, because the feeling came out of nowhere literally.

So after like two and a half hours chilling with the guys, I had to get out of there. I’m not one to be rude and just bounce on company no matter who they are; even if I like them or not. But I finally found an open door when the fireworks of a fun fair that was happening near my department went off. I actually wanted to go to the fun fare but no one wanted to go and it would have sucked if I’d gone by myself.

Alright, I got all my goodbyes in and headed to meet my flatmates literally across town. I could have easily gone home, but I desperately wanted to shake the suffocating feeling out my system-send that sensation back where it came from.

I finally reached my flatmates and friends and enjoyed a nice Baccardi at another local pub, Cliftons, which honestly was a bit too local for me because the clientele was oh so shaddy for this sista. But as usual, I was amongst great company and the suffocating feeling was long gone before I even reached Cliftons. It was the walk to Cliftons, even though it was dark out, it felt good because I was alone and that happened to be what I needed at the time, weird, I know.

Well, the oddest thing happened while I was in Cliftons, my phone ranged. My phone rarely rings- only a few people have my number. I don't like the idea of being reached by everyone and anyone. I always give out my e-mail address, because then I could decide if I want to reply or send it straight to spam.

So yeah the phone rings, and it is Dee. OK Dee is the guy I rebounded with after my breakup with Steff (yes, this is a guy-Welsh; short for Stefano, I think). Well I am not going to go into the details of the breakup. I will leave that for another occasion. Now Dee is really calling me out of the blue because I thought I did a heck of a job fizzing the relationship out. Guess not cause the he is still calling. It was the regular ole conversation you have with someone you really don't want to talk to but don't want to be rude. So five minutes of the "how are you, how's life and stuff" conversation. So he wants to hang with me and I decline letting him know I am with friends. He then tell me he is going to Creation, which is this horrible club for screaming teenagers I would never dare go back in. I end the conversation with the "have fun, see you later" bit.

Then my phone ring again, it is Alakie, my good friend and coursemate from Kenya, she's with the coursemates I just left, she arrived right after I bounced out of there. She wants to do the same and go dancing. Now see, that is exactly what…

Ohh crap, OK, it is March 28, 2007, and I realize I never finished this piece and I have no idea what happened after Alakie called me. I believe we did go out but I must have gotten really pissed because I can’t remember a damn thing. Sorry…