Inadequate

March 28, 2007

So for a few weeks now, I have been in a rut really. It is like I am losing motivation in every possible way. To be honest it is a feeling of shear fear. I fear that I will not get to the point in life, where I am truly happy with where I am. Today, I was on the PATH train, just thinking that I actually never reach that point where I am happy with my life.

When I was in elementary school, I dreamed that I would be happy when I become a teenager, because they looked some damn cool walking home and stuff. They looked like they had so much fun and freedom. Man, once I became I teenager, life was so freaking boring. It was simply school, sports, homework, TV and that was it. That’s no life.

When I was in high school, I wanted to be in college, always used to dream of myself being in college, being all responsible and important. I must say being at the New Brunswick campus at Rutgers University was nice; 45 minutes away from mommy and poppy is good. Man any distance away from them from time to time is good.

It was at college that I realized my family was not middle-class, we were poor. Being around middle-class and well-off people pissed me off, made me feel little. It is not like they waved their riches in my face and all. I was the one dreaming of their riches and all, hoping that I could switch places with them. Gosh, I was so damn silly and naïve. My parents never gave my brother and sisters any reason for feeling poor. To tell you the truth for most of my non-adult life, I thought my family was damn near rich, well probably not rich, but well-off middle class.

Now with a Masters in International Journalism, Bachelors in Journalism Studies and Spanish and a High School Diploma under my belt, a sista still can’t get a decent journalism JOB. It’s so sad, I have such a passion for journalism, but no one will give me a chance. Lately, I have been thinking was this all a mistake, did I go left when God told me to go right. I don’t know what it is; I just have this feeling of inadequacy that I cannot shake.

I never expected to be 24-years old, living with my parents in an old folks community home, sleeping on a cot in their living room, job-hunting in Newport Mall for a sales associate position. Me, a no-driver’s licence having, no apartment, no life me. Sometimes, I think I am way too hard on myself, and there are time I think I am not hard enough.

Day after day, night after night I dream of having my own apartment and car and being responsible and having great friends that I can share all my intimate details and gossip with. There are times, I see a woman passing by and she looks so comfortable and confident that I want to make a deal with the devil or whomever, to switch lives with this person. Of course I know this is silly and that this is simply a down time in my life, we all go through it, but I always thought that being hardworking, dedicated and passionate about sometime guaranteed you success.

See with me, I have had mixed reviews when it came to my skills and abilities of my journalistic writing. There are those who say I am good and those who say I need a lot of help. Of course, being human, I do not remember or hear those who compliment my writing, I only hear those who criticize it and yes, I hate them for it and I always want to prove them wrong, and I will one day when I become that foreign correspondent.

I do not know, but lately, when people ask me what I plan to do with my journalism and I say I want to be a foreign correspondent, something way far back in my mind, says ‘yeah right’. I really do want to be a foreign correspondent in work in countries like Palestine, Jordan, places throughout the Middle East and Northern Africa. I have this infatuation with Arabic culture. I know nothing about it and sure do not know how to speak a work of Arabic, but I hope that will change soon. The Arabic culture is such a damn mystery to me. I do not like when something is a mystery to me. Right now, the only thing that is a mystery to me beside the Arabic culture is my boyfriend’s moodiness.

I am one of those people that get so embarrassment to the point of running away when someone ask me, where a country is located and I don’t know. I never really did any geography; that is the Newark Public School System for you. It is weird; I do not get that feeling when I do not know where a state is located in the US, if I do not know, where Montana is located, oh well. However, I need to know exactly where Taiwan, Afghanistan, Kenya, Poland, Argentina, and every other place is located and what country borders them and their continent and the whole nine. Sometimes, I find myself testing my knowledge and if I do not know it, it will bother me, not just all day but until I find out.

Wait, how did I get to this topic, anyways as I was saying, lately I have been feeling inadequate. Well in reality, not just lately, my whole entire life. Don’t know what I am hoping for. Trust me, if I do get a great job, a spacious apartment and a car tomorrow, I will still feel inadequate. I am just never fully satisfied, don’t think will ever be. I am truly working to mend this problem of mine. Trying hard to be happy and satisfied with what I have; it will obviously take some time.

Shoot, I should be boasting of my achievement not dwelling in my mishaps. Gosh, I am something else. Well, I am tired of writing now. So I will leave. Bye.

D